Star Light Star Bright

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.



Stars!!  I love them.  I love to look at them and am a big fan of the moon.  One of my favorite things to do in this life is to just sit and stare up at them and marvel at their splendor.  I keep up on the moon phases just so I can make sure to catch the big full moon.  How awesome is our God to give us beautiful glitter in the sky?!! 

The last couple of weeks the morning sky has been incredible.  We have had clear skies and the stars have been bright.  Now I love the stars, but do not know the actual names of the brightest ones.  There is one that is very bright and it is to the east.  Every morning I look forward to seeing it on the eastern horizon.  The other morning I decided that I am going to name this particular star Kirk.  I thought this star was very fitting for him since Kirk lit up mine and Emily's life and the lives of so many others.  Emily loved the idea and agreed it is a star worthy of Kirk's name.

But before we named this star after Kirk for our own benefit, God has already counted and named all the stars in the heavens.  God made the heavens and the earth, and in doing so He shared His creation with us.  He also shared His most precious gift with us, His one and only Son Jesus Christ.  When Jesus was born, a star directed shepherds and wise men to his place of birth in Bethlehem.  Matthew 2:10-11 NIV tells us, "When they saw the star, they were overjoyed.  On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshipped him.  Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh."  Can you imagine the stories that stars can tell.  They have been around since the beginning of time.  They directed humble and Godly men to witness the birth of our Savior. 

Sometimes I sit and wonder what Kirk is doing in Heaven.  I wonder if he can see the stars from his heavenly home.  But I take comfort in knowing that Kirk is there waiting for all of us.  I know this for a fact because I got to witness the moment he accepted Jesus into his heart.  We were getting ready to leave to meet with our pastor to talk about our wedding ceremony.  As we got into the car, Kirk asked me if we were trying to trick him into being saved.  I told him no, which I was telling the truth since it was an actual meeting to discuss our wedding.  I told Kirk that I wanted him to be saved before we were man and wife, but that I wasn't going to force him and that he would know when the time came for that most precious time.  We went on to the church and started discussing our big day and all of a sudden Kirk started asking Brother Jim questions about Jesus and about accepting Jesus.  Before I could even utter anything, Kirk accepted Jesus and was saved!!!  I was so overjoyed, we both started crying.  It is something that I hope I will never forget.  Such a beautiful moment to not only witness, but to be a part of it.  The day we were married, we both were children of God!! 

I am honored in saying that we got to enjoy 18 years of marriage.  Eighteen years sounds like a long time, but in reality it's not.  I can tell you it's not long enough.  But one thing I have learned in this journey is that God is in control; I am not.  I have to surrender my will to God and let Him take control of the direction of my life.  I have to trust that He knows what's best for me and let Him lead me where He wants me to go.  I have to trust that He will heal not only me, but my daughter Emily.  Psalm 147:3-5 NIV says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.  Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit." 

Even though God has numbered and named each beautiful star in the sky, one of them has the honor of being named Kirk in our house.  The grief does slowly ease but that doesn't mean we do not miss you each and every day.  The pain starts to subside and every day life resumes, but the hole in my heart for you will never disappear.  Until the day we are reunited in Heaven, I will look up at that star each morning and I will smile.  I choose to smile and cherish all of our memories than to be sad and dwell on the loss. I know one thing you are doing right now and that is smiling and rejoicing in heaven singing "Holy Holy Holy!! 

Lord, thank you for giving us the stars to look upon and marvel at their beauty.  Every morning I get the privilege of viewing them.  Lord I pray that others that are suffering from grief to be able to find enjoyment of just looking up and seeing your incredible creation.  I pray that when they look up, they find they can start a conversation with you and open up about their pain and grief.  Once you start to open up and talk about your grief and pain; the healing can begin.  I pray that healing can begin for ones that are calling out for Your help.  He will hear your cries and will heal your brokenness.  I know this because He  has rescued me.  I pray that you will seek His healing touch!! In His Precious Name I pray Amen!!

A Thankful Week

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

A Thankful Week!!

I hope this past week was a good one for everyone.  I actually had a great week that went by pretty quick.  With the change in healthcare regarding diagnosis codes that kept me busy, the week flew by.  On Tuesday I had a great day.  I have made a friend at the hospital that I work at and she is also a widow.  She is awesome and is so full of life.  She came by and seen me at my office and we caught up on each others lives.  She made me laugh, made me tear up, and made me feel great.  She has started dating so I got to hear about the new guy in her life.  I feel so excited for her and wish her the best in her new chapter. 

After catching up with one widow friend, I got to go to lunch and meet up with another widow friend.  She isn't a year into her new journey, but she is on the right path.  She is doing an incredible job with her sons and is doing as well as she can in her first year.  I really enjoy our lunches and sharing our struggles of suddenly being single parents.  She has been a blessing to me. It's hard to find widows my age with children still at home that live around my area.  My main goal has been to arrange a small group of women that are in the same situation as me so we can help each other and share each other's burdens and joys.  So when she came into my life almost a year ago, I was thankful for her. 

When Emily and I were going through counseling through our church, our counselor told us that part of the process is to be thankful.  At the time I thought to myself, how can I be thankful again?  How can I truthfully say out loud to Jesus or to others how thankful I am for anything?  I mean, I was thankful for Kirk because without him I wouldn't have Emily.  I was thankful for my family and friends for seeing me through a very traumatic time in my life.  But to be thankful for any situation that comes my way?  I was very skeptical.  But slowly as I filled myself with God's word, I would find it easier to experience this emotion.  One of the scriptures that we covered in counseling is found in the Book of 1 Thessalonians chapter 5:18, "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  At first, I felt this was backwards logic.  As time went by, I realized this is part of processing grief. A grateful heart opens to new hope and new possibilities.  Jesus desires us to be happy and truthfully, I've never seen an unhappy grateful person. 

I encourage you to take some time to find things you are grateful for.  Maybe it's a special person or a special event that happened to you recently.  Maybe you are grateful for the family and friends you have been blessed with.  Maybe you are grateful for a beautiful sunrise or sunset or both.  Once you focus on the positives, the negatives slowly do not matter.  Look around and find things to be thankful for. 

Another reason to be thankful is for God's grace and eternal life that He gave us through His son, Jesus.  Romans 7:25 says, "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord."  If you cannot find yourself being grateful for anything, just be grateful for our Lord Jesus.  Through his life, death, and resurrection we are set free from sin.  I thank Him every day, sometimes several times a day, for His sacrifice of His life so I can have eternal life and able to be reunited with Him and with Kirk and my love ones again in Heaven.  Without Jesus, I am nothing.  Everything I have, and have had, is all because of Him.  Because He died on that cross, I can live and so can you. 

I hope you can find things to be thankful for tonight and in the coming days.  Open your heart and be grateful for Jesus, be grateful for family and friends, be grateful for opening your eyes this morning.  I know it's hard to be grateful, but once you start opening your heart your eyes will open too.

Lord, Thank you for sending your One and only Son to live a perfect sinless life, to die on the cross, and rise again so we can have eternal life through You.  Thank you for blessing me with wonderful family members and incredible friends.  I am so grateful for the special widow friends that you have put in my path.  I hate that we have had to meet under the circumstances that we have, but so blessed that you put us together to help each other and to carry each others burdens.  I am grateful for every day that you wake me up, and thankful that I have a beautiful daughter to share this journey with.  I pray Lord that my family and friends can open their hearts and be grateful for their lives and especially for you!!  In Your Precious name I pray Amen!!

Jesus Overcame!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

Hi all!!

It's finally the weekend.  I had a crazy busy week as I am sure all of you have had too.  Soccer games, practices, work, training, and keeping up with the house can be stressful.  I got through it and even passed a big required test for my occupation.  It was a three and a half hour test and I had been dreading this test for about six years.  It was for the ICD-10 change over that is happening October 1st.  I only had a couple of days training and I dived in and took the test.  I was nervous and a bit afraid of failing this test.  If I failed, then I would have to take it again; and you only get two tries.  I don't know about you, but I sure didn't want to take it a second time and have added stress.  But I fought through the fear, said a prayer, and faced the challenge.  Thank you Jesus for being with me and getting me through the test and leading me to succeed. 

After the test was over, I started to think about fear.  Fear can block us from reaching our full potential and keep us from realizing dreams.  Fear can separate us from success or from relationships that we lost out on.  Fear can keep us from being the best self we can be.  But worst yet, fear can keep us from realizing the life that God has mapped out for us.  Thankfully, God gave us a tool to defeat fear.  That tool is called TRUST.  Trusting Him will help you defeat your fears and realize the life you were meant to have and what He desires for us.  We are told in Isaiah 41:13, "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you Do not fear; I will help you."  We see that God promises us that He will help us through our fears.  In Isaiah 41:10 it says, "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

One of the things I have learned about myself since I became a widow is that as time goes by, I fear less.  Each day I decide to trust God more and as I do, fear seems to vanish.  Psalm 34:4 reads, "I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."  My mindset the last couple of years has been that one of the worst events that could happen to me, has happened and I survived by leaning into God and trusting Him to deliver me.  Once I came to this realization, fighting fear became easier.  I feel like I can overcome any obstacle because I know my Lord overcame the world.  Jesus went before me and defeated the grave.  Because of Him, I know that I can overcome anything this world can throw at me.  Jesus is the solution to our fear.  If you listen and follow Him, you can trust that His promises are true. 

Jesus tells us in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."  Do you see the ongoing theme?  You will have trouble, part of that trouble is fear.  Fear of the future;  fear of the unknown; fear of being alone on this journey of grief; fear of stepping out of your comfort zone; fear of a new relationship; fear of not ever experiencing a new relationship; and this is to just name a few we all experience.  But trusting Jesus with your fears, laying these fears at the foot of the cross, surrendering your will for His, you will experience peace like never before.  I call myself a WIP, work in progress.  I am still striving to give Him my burdens every day.  I am not perfect and will never be until I am made whole on the day that I go Home.  But until then, will you join me in giving Him your fears and taking in the peace that only He can give?  His promises are true and they never change. 

Lord God, please bless the ones that are reading this blog. I pray that they are able to give you their fears and enjoy the peace you give in return.  I pray that we can submit to your will and that we can live the life that you want for us.  Thank you Lord for your promises and for your unconditional love and grace.  In your Precious Name I pray Amen!!

Regrets and Trust!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.
Regrets and Trust!!

I have to agree with Elvis Presley when he sang in his song, My Way, "Regrets, I've had a few".  Isn't that so true.  Some of us have had more than a few regrets; and some of us struggle with these regrets.  Before Kirk passed away, I remember focusing on those regrets.  Regrets of lost friendships that naturally happen once you get married and life changes.  Regrets of not furthering education to obtain a job that you really wanted to do.  Or maybe it's a regret of falling into the wrong crowd and your life taking a whole different direction than what you wanted for yourself.  But I will say, once Kirk passed away, my regrets shifted toward him solely.  So many open ended issues that weren't resolved before his sudden passing.  Regretting that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye or tell him how much I loved him.  I regret not telling him that I thought he was an incredible father and an awesome husband.  I wish I would have told him every day how much he was loved and appreciated. 

I know that I am not to sit and dwell on my regrets.  I know that I must let these go and move on in my own time.  I know I am to trust God and let Him take on my burdens of these regrets.  I know that when I find myself struggling, I can lean on my Rock, our Lord Jesus Christ.  Isaiah 26:3-4 tells us, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!  Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock."  Trust our Lord to lighten your burdens and help you get past any regrets that you struggle with on a daily basis.  Matthew 11:28 Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Rest!! Doesn't that sound so incredible?  Jesus will give you rest from regret, worry, sorrow, and mourning.  Jesus goes on to say in Matthew 11:29, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

One of the most important lessons that I have learned from Kirk's sudden passing is to have no more regrets.  I try to make sure everyone knows that I love them and appreciate them before I depart.  I have left from my loved ones and remember that I didn't tell them what I feel and they need to know so I will either call or text.  I don't want any more regrets with any of my loved ones.  I want to grasp life and let others know it's okay to lean on God and trust Him with your burdens.  We all learn that life is too short and letting your loved ones know what they mean to you is a beautiful and precious gift, not only for the receiver but also for the giver. 

Lord, I pray that if anyone is reading this and is struggling with regrets in their life, I pray that they are able to lay their burdens at Jesus's feet and get the much needed rest for their souls.  Lord I pray that fear doesn't grip me and keep me from showing my true feelings to my loved ones and friends.  I pray for everyone that is reading this that they break out of their shell and embrace life and trust that our Lord has this.  Free yourself from the regrets that burden your soul and cling on to God's promises for you.  He loves you and so do I!!!  In Your Precious Name I pray..Amen!!

He Knows!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

He Knows!!

I hope everyone had a great and relaxing Labor Day weekend.  We had a pretty nice time.  We got to spend time with family and was able to relax and have fun.  Labor Day weekend is a hard weekend for us.  Kirk was a huge drag race fan so every Saturday of Labor Day weekend we would spend the entire day as a family at the NHRA Nationals.  We would take a picnic lunch and spend the day meeting drivers and Emily would get several autographs.  Kirk's Uncle Rick would go out there with us.  One year, Kirk got the opportunity he had been dreaming of for quite some time.  He actually got to work on a alcohol funny car for an entire weekend.  He got to meet some really great guys and got to live out a dream before he left us.  He was so happy and so excited to get that opportunity.  I am so thankful that he did get to do that. 

We spent this Saturday of Labor Day weekend with my sister Crystal, her husband Brian and their daughter Zoey.  They invited us to go with them to St. Joseph Michigan for the day.  We spent the day up there and ended up having to go to South Haven to get out of the rain that we didn't know about.  So we sat on the beach and then went back to St. Joes to shop.  Both towns were very nice and we really enjoyed our day.  It was almost like being at the ocean, almost!!! 

On our way out from St. Joes, we passed a church that had a sign out front that simply said, He Knows.  When I seen those words I had to smile.  It is amazing how God speaks to you, how He knows what you need to hear and finds a way every time to make sure you get His message.  Some days I wonder if God still hears my cries and my prayers and then there it is, a message that yes He does still hear my prayers and knows my pain. 

The one verse that I always look to and memorized is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  This is something that all of us have to remember, no matter what life throws at us.  Hope, if we do not have hope, then what do we have?  If we don't put our hope in Jesus, we have nothing.  I believe that my path has brought me to this point to write to encourage others that might not see the hope in their situation.  Romans 5:1-8 tells us, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we boast in the Hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, HOPE.  And HOPE does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.  You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.   But God demonstrates his own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Seeing that sign, He Knows, gave me the bump I needed to make it another day.  Because He Knows, I know that He is always with me.  He is always by my side, making my way down the path He designed especially for me.  It's not a glamorous path, it's not suppose to be.  I cannot bring glory to God if I live on a golden road.  I cannot give him all the glory and be a testimony if I have never had any struggles in my life.  No matter what, I will praise Him because I know my hope is in Jesus. PERIOD!!  Psalm 39:7, "But now, Lord, what do I look for?  My hope is in you."

Lord I pray for my family and friends that are struggling with life.  I pray that they accept you in their hearts and tap into that eternal hope and love that you provide.  Life is hard, but with You, I know my future.  Lord I want everyone that I love and care for to be in Heaven so we can spend eternity together.  Lord I just want to glorify you in whatever I do while I'm here on this Earth.  In Your Precious Name Amen!!

As I was writing this, I was informed of a situation with a dear sweet sister Karen.  She passed away this morning of a long illness.  She was a writer for A Widow's Might and was one of the sweetest ladies that I have ever met.  When I decided to start writing blogs for A Widows Might, she was the one that helped me with my writing and would help me make my posts better.  We talked on the phone several times and emailed each other quite often.  She is a fellow Hoosier and lived about two hours away from me.  I got to meet her in person back in November at A Widow's Might conference at Myrtle Beach.  I remember walking in and seeing her sweet smile.  We had planned on meeting for lunch over the summer but we never got the chance.  I ask that you keep her family in your prayers for comfort and healing.  Karen is now in the arms of our beautiful Savior Jesus Christ and is now reunited with her loving husband.  Karen knows no pain, no sorrow, has no tears, just joy!!!!  Thank you Lord for putting Karen in my path.  Thank you Karen for being a wonderful writer, mentor, but mot importantly, a beautiful friend.  I will miss you and I love you with all my heart. 

This is Kirk at the last NHRA Nationals.  We had a great day and enjoyed watching all of the cars.  He loved going, and we loved sharing those memories with him!!  Love and miss you to the moon and back!! 

Heartbroken

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.


Heartbroken!!

I need to tell myself to quit listening and watching the news.  It seems as if the world has gone crazy.  My heart has hurt so much for several different families in the last several days.  I live close to Indianapolis which is the home of the Indianapolis 500.  We are called the racing capital of the world, and I have to agree with that statement.  We love our racing here, Indy cars, Nascar, drag racing, and our local racers.  Over the weekend, Indy car lost a great driver and advocate for dyslexia.  His name is Justin Wilson and he was also a husband and a father of two young girls.  How my heart aches for his family and all of his friends.  Unfortunately we know what they are going through right now.

Then, I hear about a policeman down in Louisiana that was gunned down by some psycho.  The officer fought as long as he could for his life, but passed away from his injuries.  I read Monday morning that he leaves behind a wife and a son that is nine years old.  I sat back and reflected on the day we lost Kirk.  Emily was only nine when Kirk left us and she is our only child.  Even though our husbands passed under different circumstances, both situations were sudden and without warning.  I felt sick for this new widow and her only son and began to pray for them.  I have family in law enforcement so whenever I hear of this happening, I always think how it could have been someone in my family. 

And then today, the senseless killing of two young journalist who were just doing their job, a job they loved and devoted their young lives. They were taken out by a disgruntled coworker during a live broadcast.  The news reported that both of them were in relationships with other coworkers.  The gentleman was engaged to be married and the lady was in a serious relationship with another anchor.  It just breaks my heart to know how their loved ones are feeling right now.  Just to know others are experiencing such deep sorrow and grieving with every ounce of their being right now is heart breaking.

We know in this world we are going to experience sadness, grief, and sorrow.  At some point, we are all going to have to face these emotions.  The decision on how you handle these emotions is huge.  We decided from day one that we were going to give our pain and sorrow to Jesus.  As humans we know we cannot handle that much pain all at once.  We memorized and live by Proverbs 3:5 NIV, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  We understood that no one in this world could answer the big WHY question.  So we had to surrender that to Jesus.  You see, Jesus has experienced every emotion that we as humans have dealt with.  Jesus even tells us that we will have troubles in this lifetime.  In John 16:33 Jesus says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."  Our Savior defeated the grave and through His grace, he extends peace to us even in the midst of our worst storms. 

The one thing that I am looking forward to in my Heavenly home is that there will not be any more tears or sorrow.  We will rejoice with Jesus and with our loved ones that have gone before us and have placed their faith in Jesus.  Revelations 21:4 assures us of this, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  That promise is amazing!!  It is something I am looking forward to when I go Home to my Savior Lord Jesus Christ!!

Lord, please be with the family and friends of the people that I wrote about tonight.  They are just starting their grief journey that so many of us are on already.  Lord I pray for them and for those that have started their journey. I also pray for those that have been on their journey for years.  I pray that they know you as their Personal Savior and that they lean on you for comfort, mercy, strength, and grace.  Lord thank you for loving us first before we were born.  I pray for those who do not know you as their Savior and I pray they open up their hearts and mind to you.  The well of Your mercy and grace is bottomless and is full of love, joy, and comfort.  In Your Precious Name I pray, AMEN!!

Fighting Fear!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.


Fighting Fear!!


Fear can paralyze the strongest of men.  Fear can stop us in our tracks and keep us from living out the life that God wants us to enjoy.  We can have fear in several different areas of our lives that we once felt safe and comfortable.  When I became a widow, I feared having to raise my daughter by myself.  I feared having to make big financial decisions without Kirk sitting by my side going over all the pros and cons of our decision making.  I have begun to fear a life of being alone after Emily goes to college in a short five years.  Fear of spending nights alone when all my friends and family are out spending time together.  I can go on and on about all the fears we encounter in this season of widowhood. 

Fear can freeze you in time and not allow you to move on with your life.  It can rob you of a life that God wants you to live, the life you deserve to have.  It's so easy to wave your white flag and take on a cloak of defeat.  But sisters, this is not the life that Jesus desires for all of us.  It's easy to feel like life is over and there is nothing left.  But there is so much more, I am allowing myself to figure this out and it has taken me four years.  What I had to realize and what you need to realize is that Jesus is fighting for us and with us.  He wants us to conquer our fear and look to Him for strength and trust.  In Romans 8:31-32 NIV it tells us,

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

See, God is on our side.  With Him on our side, no one can be against us.  God has His children and He is fighting for us every step of the way.  He made that possible when He sent his only Son, Jesus Christ, to Earth to live a righteous and sinless life.  Jesus came to die for all of us, to ransom us from this sinful world.  John 3:16 states, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." 

Do you know Jesus as your personal savior?  If not, I hope you will pray and think about making this most important decision for yourself.  It's the best decision and best gift you will EVER receive.  To know that the day that I'm called home I will be face to face with Jesus is so comforting. Just trusting that Jesus is patiently waiting for me and will greet me with arms wide open melts all fear away. 

Lord I pray that those that have not put their trust and faith in you will do so without hesitation.  Just having the peace and comfort that comes with having you on my side is priceless.  Lord I love you with all my heart and soul and I pray for all of us that need comfort and hope.  It doesn't happen overnight Lord, but it does come with love, trust, faith and patience.  When I start to feel fearful for the future or for events that happen in my life, I lean on you Lord to melt the fear away.  Thank you Lord for all that you have given me, but the biggest gift of all is your Son.  Lord I pray in your Precious Name. Amen