Happy 2016!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

2016 is just hours away!!

How are you spending tonight?  With your family?  With new/old friends?  With a new love?  With your puppy dogs or kitties?   There are all kinds of ways to spend this night, but please do not spend it alone. 

A new year can bring a flood of emotions and thoughts; a sea of regrets or a new hope of a better future.  Do you make resolutions?  I do sometimes but not a big fan of them.  I did have one that I did finally get to do.  It was fun and worth the wait since I had made it a couple of years ago. 

If you do resolutions there is one that I hope you decide to make and keep this year.  That one special resolution and hope I have for you is to spend more time in God's word.  You will find love, faith, trust, and hope for a better future and for your eternity.  I know all too well the feeling of being heartbroken and feeling despair after losing Kirk.  But I made a promise to myself that I would keep reading God's word and keep trusting Him.  I kept myself tethered to His love and promises.  Hebrews 6:17-20 NIV says, "Because God wanted to make sure the unchanging nature of his purpose was very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed with an oath.  God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged.  We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.  He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek. 

You may feel overwhelmed by a flood of emotions and feel as though you are drowning.  Please do not lose hope and trust.  Just know that our Lord Jesus Christ is there for you holding out His hand to you.  Remember that He is our Savior that has walked on water. He will reach down and pull you out of that lake of despair.  Peter and the disciples witnessed first hand Jesus walking toward them on a lake that was swirling around Him.  Matthew 14:29-31 NIV we read, "When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. 'It's a ghost,' they said, and cried out in fear.  But Jesus immediately said to them: 'Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid.'  'Lord if it's you,' Peter replied, 'tell me to come to you on the water.'  'Come,' he said.  Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!'  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt."   The point I'm trying to make is that even Peter lost faith and Jesus was right there in front of him.  It's human to lose hope and faith, but just don't stay there.  Reach your hand out and call on Jesus.  He will be there every single time; waiting to pull you out of that lake of despair and hopelessness!! 

I pray that this year you will find courage and strength through Jesus to start a fresh new year.  If you haven't put your faith in Jesus, He is waiting to renew your heart and spirit.  He will extend grace and love to you!!  I want to wish every single one of you a very Happy New Year and I pray that this year you will stand tall and keep your eyes on Jesus.  I pray you keep looking up and start living the life Jesus wants you to live.  Share love, laughs, tears, and compassion with everyone you love and ones that need you!!!!

Lord I pray that this year we will become more like you every day.  I pray that we all keep our minds filled with You.  You are love and we all need more of You every single day.  In Your Precious Name I pray, Amen!!

Happy 2016!!! 

Merry Christmas!!

Immanuel = God With Us!!!

Merry Christmas!!

What a bittersweet time of year this can be for many of us.  On one hand we want to celebrate the birthday of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and on the other hand we are missing our loved ones.  Grief can be magnified during the holidays and shadow the glow of the month of December.  I know my first Christmas and New Year was hard.  I wanted to put on my festive face and enjoy the celebrations as I always had, but it wasn't in my heart to do so.  I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends, and especially my daughter Emily.  I wanted her first holiday season to go as close to tradition as possible.  Christmas morning was so hard but together her and I went on with opening gifts and eating a good breakfast.  We went to the cemetery and took a small drag car for Kirk.  He loved drag racing.  When Christmas night finally came, I was mentally and physically exhausted. 

Is this your first Christmas without your beloved?  One piece of advice I want to give you and your family and friends; give yourself permission to grieve and to take it easy.  Don't push yourself into uncomfortable or hard situations.  Maybe this is your fifth Christmas without your loved one like me, or maybe it's your 50th year!!  Whatever year or whatever situation you are in, give yourself permission to breathe and be easy on yourself.

I am also directing this advice towards divorced or single parents.  Loneliness hits all of us in different situations.  You could be grieving for a parent or a child this Christmas season.  Many of us are missing siblings, grandparents, or aunts and uncles.  Not only do I grieve for Kirk this time of year, but also for grandparents and aunts and uncles. 

My thoughts always turn to Mary this time of year for obvious reasons.  Can you imagine giving birth to Jesus, the Savior of mankind?  Matthew 1:23 NIV says, "The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel which means God with us."  God is with us always, never forget that.  We are never alone on this journey of grief.  I know you feel that way sometimes, I myself have felt like I have been dropped in the middle of the desert this past week.  I remind myself that God is with me, He is with all of us.  He never changes, we do.  He never strays from our side, we choose to ignore Him. 

Jesus is THE ultimate gift that we can ever receive.  What He offers us cannot be bought or bartered.  There is no negotiation or gray area when it comes to Jesus.  You either accept Him or not; either for or against.  Jesus became flesh to live among us.  He was born as human to ultimately sacrifice Himself as the perfect lamb on that cross for our sins.  He bought us with His blood so we can be saved and spend eternity with Him in heaven.  Romans 6:23 NIV tells us, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

Will you give yourself the best gift you will ever receive?  Have you put your faith and trust in Jesus?  If not, will you think about how you want to spend your eternity?  The Bible tells us we will either spend it in heaven with Jesus or in hell where there is torment and torture.  Do you realize that for some of us this will be as close to hell as we will get here on Earth; and for some this will be as close to heaven as you will get?  Take some time and let that sink in and open a Bible and read God's word.  Start with the Book of John, most pastors will tell you to start there.  If you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, give yourself the greatest gift ever and just read, learn, and ask questions. 

I will leave you a passage from Luke 1:46-50 NIV and they call it's Mary's song.  Mary didn't understand why God choose her to be the one to carry and birth Jesus, but with faith and trust in her heart she walked that path with God and wow what a journey she was blessed to walk.  I try to use that same faith and trust in my walk on this path God has me on.  Different paths but same faith and trust in Him, our Almighty.

And Mary said: My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.  From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me--holy is his name.  His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation."

Lord Jesus, thank you for coming to earth as a humble baby born in a manger.  You are God's word that walked this earth in flesh.  Your sacrifice and my acceptance assures me of an eternity with you and all of my loved ones that have gone before me.  I pray Lord that my family and friends that have not yet taken that step to accept you will consider, read, and pray about taking that most important first step.  You are the BEST GIFT I ever received and I pray others will accept your gift also.  Happy Birthday Jesus!!  In Your precious name I pray Amen!!

I will keep all of you in my prayers during this most difficult time of year.  If you have no where to go, ask around your family and friends.  They probably don't know you are alone this holiday.  If you know of anyone that will be alone, invite them along.  I am telling you that you will feel way more blessed than the person you invite. 

Merry Christmas!! 

Happy December!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

Happy December!!

It's December which means for a lot of us family and friend gatherings.  December is so great with all  the lights and sounds of joy.  I have always enjoyed seeing all the pretty lights that brighten up the dark of winter.  Decorating for Christmas is great, but it's a lot of hard work.  But once we have everything done and in place, it is worth the time.  We enjoy the glow from our big pretty Christmas tree.

Christmas is my favorite time of year.  I enjoy celebrating the birth of Jesus.  Such a precious baby that started from humble beginnings in a manger.  This baby came to rescue us; He came to be our Savior.  Can you imagine today thinking about a baby being on a rescue mission?  I can only imagine what was going through Mary's mind as she looked at her precious baby boy knowing that her beautiful child came to SAVE mankind. 

Luke 2:11-12 NIV says, "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  As the Angel was saying this to the shepherds it is written that a great company of the heavenly host appeared with this angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on Earth peace to those on whom his favor rest." Luke 2:13-14 NIV.

I, for one, am ecstatic that Jesus came to Earth to rescue us.  I am happy that 25 years ago I accepted Jesus into my heart.  The day I was saved I could not have imagined how much I would need that special moment.  I can tell you that without that moment, I don't know how far I would have walked this path that I find myself on today.  I know every day that Jesus walks beside me. I know I am not alone.  Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV says, "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  If you take away one thing from this post, remember this verse.  He will never leave or forsake you. 

I am living proof.  I could not find joy every day or want to look for happiness.  Just knowing that He is in my corner every single second of the day encourages me to get up, brush myself off, look up and give thanks, and put one foot in front of the other. 

Will you join Jesus in His rescue mission?  I encourage you to at least think about it if you are not saved.  Jesus took the nails for all of us; He took that crown of thorns while pouring His love out to us.  He wants to have a relationship with YOU!!  YES YOU!!  He takes us just the way we are...broken and bruised with exposed scars of life. 

Something I want to suggest to the ones reading this that aren't widows or widowers.  If you know a widow or widower please check on them during the holiday season.  This time of year isn't joyful for some.  I can tell you that it's nice when people just drop a line to make sure we have stuff going on during this time of year.  It can mean so much to anyone that is hurting. 

Lord, thank You for Your rescue mission. Thank you for coming to us in human form and delivering us from our sins.  The greatest gift of all is Your grace that You poured out for me on Calvary.  Please bless everyone that is reading this and for all my family and friends.  I pray that those of us that have a hard time with this beautiful Christmas season can find joy.  In Your precious name I pray. Amen!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

I can't believe it's time for another Thanksgiving holiday.  I can tell you it feels like this year has flown by.  I guess it's true what they say, the older you get the faster time flies!!

Today marks four years and four months since Kirk passed away.  This will be our fifth Thanksgiving without him.  As I sit here enjoying the smell of freshly baked pies and bread, it's just another reminder of another holiday without him.  He always enjoyed my pumpkin bread and pies that I make every year.  I wish I would have told him every day how thankful I was for him.  It's too late to tell him so I have decided on this Thanksgiving Eve to tell every one that I love and care for just how much I love and appreciate them.

I am so thankful for all my family and friends that were there for me and Emily during our darkest hours.  There are no words to describe how thankful we are for your love, support, and prayers that we have received over the past four years.  There were days I didn't think I was going to make it one more second and then I would get a simple text that would say, "I love you".  It's amazing how those three simple one syllable words can fill your heart with love and encouragement.  I am so thankful and grateful for each and every one of you!! Your love, support, compassion, and most importantly your prayers mean more than you will ever know!!

I am so thankful for Emily.  She inspires me to continue on and to enjoy life to the fullest.  She inherited the best qualities of me and Kirk.  She is an amazing young lady that is so vibrant and compassionate.  I am so thankful that Kirk and I were able to experience being parents.  God truly blessed us when we sure didn't deserve it.  I am grateful for the nine years that we got to share raising a beautiful little girl.  I am thankful God blessed me with a man like Kirk and we were blessed as parents.

Most of all, I am thankful for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Without Jesus, I wouldn't have all the other blessings.  Without His love for me, I wouldn't be able to love so many people that have touched my life.  God blessed us with the greatest gift of all, Jesus.  In 2 Corinthians 9:15 NIV we read, "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"  That Gift is Jesus.  I am so thankful that Jesus came down to earth as a human man and sacrificed His life for us.  There is no better blessing than the grace and love He showed us when He was nailed to that cross.  His blood covers us, covers our sins so that we can be  reconciled with our Heavenly Father when our time on Earth is complete.  If you believe that Jesus is your Savior, then death is not the end for you. 1 Corinthians 15:55-57 NIV tells us, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."  I am so incredibly thankful for Jesus!!  Jesus is the reason I get up every morning and face another day as a widow and single mother.  Jesus is the reason I write to all of you.  I just want to spread the word about how wonderful and beautiful Jesus is to me.  Without Him, I don't know how far I would be in this journey that was unexpected and unwanted.

I know it's hard to be thankful in your darkest hours.  I have been there and know that deep heart pain.  I just ask that you take a minute and count a couple of your blessings that you are thankful for.  I promise that once you count one or two, tomorrow you might be able to add a couple more.  Day by day the counting and praising will get easier.  We find in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV, "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Lord I pray that anyone reading this and is having a hard time this holiday will just cry out to you for comfort and healing. Lord I pray that they will find someone or something to be thankful for and they will start to count their blessings.  Lord I know there are so many hurting this Thanksgiving and I pray that you cover them in Your love and grace and surround them with loving and compassionate people that will reach out and love on them.  Thank you Lord for loving and blessing me even when I don't deserve it.  In Your Precious Name..Amen!!

Incredible Group of Women

The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense. Proverbs 27:9 NLT

A year ago, I had the privilege and pleasure to meet all of these incredible women.  We came together as strangers from all over the country, and a couple from outside of the United States.  We arrived on Friday not knowing what the weekend would bring.  We came from all backgrounds, but one thing we had in common: we are all widows.  We tearfully left on Sunday, all united as sisters in widowhood.  It was such an amazing experience and a hug blessing to me. 

One thing I have realized on this journey is that you must connect with others that are like you.  This path was not meant to walk alone.  Before I found A Widow's Might, I felt just like that, ALONE!!  Once I connected with the writers and then decided to head out to Myrtle Beach to meet women that were in the same situation as me, I felt part of a sisterhood.  I felt like I found others who got me and know exactly my thoughts and emotions.  I was so glad that I decided to attend this conference and Jesus was with us the entire time.  From the moment I decided to go until my plane touched down in Indianapolis, I felt His presence throughout this experience. 

Finding a group of people that are experiencing or have experienced your similar situation is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.  From finding one friend, or a grief group, or connecting online, there are ways to find people that will help you, and you can help in return.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." 

Have you found yourself alone and feel like there is no one that understands your circumstance?  We are not meant to tackle this journey alone. There are others that would love to listen and help you. I am available to help anyone that feels alone and just needs someone to listen. What I have found so comforting is that the Greatest Counselor is just a whisper away.  He will listen and answer your cries.  Isaiah 9:6 NIV "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on His shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."  Just call out to Jesus and let Him know and hear your heart.  He hears you and will answer you.  I asked Him a couple of days ago to send me a friend that will counsel me on a couple of issues and sure enough, He heard me. He didn't only send me one, He sent me several.  God is Good!!  He is just a whisper away!!

Lord Father, I pray that my family and friends that are hurting will just whisper Your name and have faith that You will deliver, because You will Lord.  You are the Wonderful Counselor that is always there when we cry out to You.  Lord thank you so much for all the precious sisters that I met last year and continue to communicate through social media.  They are so special Lord.  In Your Precious Name I pray.  Amen!!

The First Supper

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

The First Supper

Tonight I made a good dinner for me and Emily.  It was one of Kirk's favorite meals that I would make from time to time.  He liked roast, potatoes, and carrots in the crock pot. I liked making it because I could put all the ingredients in the crock pot and let it cook while we were at work.  When I seen one of our local grocery stores had roast one sale I decided to make it for the first time since Kirk went Home.  It has been four years and four months since he left us.  I had been thinking about making this dinner for quite some time and I finally decided it was time.  Baby steps sisters, even after four years I am still taking them.

I remember the first time Emily and I sat down to eat dinner at home at our own kitchen table for the first time after Kirk past away.  It was a hard obstacle to jump.  I had made grilled chicken and rice and as we sat down to eat, the void of that empty chair was overwhelming.  We sat and ate in silence while staring at the empty space that had just been inhabited by him.  Just thinking that he will never sit and eat with us again filled me with great sadness.  We got through that night and have since ate many times in our remodeled kitchen with a new table.  I'm not saying that it's made it easier, but having new and fresh is never a bad idea.

As I was thinking about our first supper without Kirk, I got to thinking about the Last Supper Jesus shared with His disciples.    The night before Christ was to be crucified, He shared one last meal with His disciples.  He broke bread and drank wine and shared it with the disciples.  In Luke 22:19 NIV we read, "And he took the bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." And then in verse 20 we read, "In the same way, after the supper he took the cup saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you."  Today as Christians, we do communion at church to remember Jesus's sacrifice on the cross.  We remember the blood He poured out for us that day to save us from eternal hell.  He shed his blood to show His love for us and to pay our debt for our sins.  With his blood, we able to enter a new covenant with God.  Jesus's blood that was shed on the cross frees us from our sins.  This sacrifice ransomed us, He bought us back from sin.  How incredible is this?  John 15:13 NIV Jesus says, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

Do you know Jesus as your personal Savior?  Have you received the free gift that Jesus is handing to you, no strings attached?  We are told in Romans 10:9 NIV, "If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."  If you are not saved, please read your Bible and ask questions if you need to.  If you don't have a Bible, seek one out from a family member or friend.  You can even get on your smart phone and get an app for free called Holy Bible.  It's an incredible app that I use all the time.  Seek Jesus out, pray and cry out to Him.  I am living proof that anyone can be saved and anyone can achieve calm and peace in the middle of a terrible storm. 

Lord I pray that my family and friends that do not know you as their personal Savior will call out your precious name and accept you in their hearts.  The greatest gift ever known was given by You and His name is Jesus.  Thank you God for Jesus and for my salvation.  It is the most incredible and most important experience to ever happen to me and I hope that others will see that and want to be a part of Your kingdom.  In your precious name I pray, Amen!!

Star Light Star Bright

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.



Stars!!  I love them.  I love to look at them and am a big fan of the moon.  One of my favorite things to do in this life is to just sit and stare up at them and marvel at their splendor.  I keep up on the moon phases just so I can make sure to catch the big full moon.  How awesome is our God to give us beautiful glitter in the sky?!! 

The last couple of weeks the morning sky has been incredible.  We have had clear skies and the stars have been bright.  Now I love the stars, but do not know the actual names of the brightest ones.  There is one that is very bright and it is to the east.  Every morning I look forward to seeing it on the eastern horizon.  The other morning I decided that I am going to name this particular star Kirk.  I thought this star was very fitting for him since Kirk lit up mine and Emily's life and the lives of so many others.  Emily loved the idea and agreed it is a star worthy of Kirk's name.

But before we named this star after Kirk for our own benefit, God has already counted and named all the stars in the heavens.  God made the heavens and the earth, and in doing so He shared His creation with us.  He also shared His most precious gift with us, His one and only Son Jesus Christ.  When Jesus was born, a star directed shepherds and wise men to his place of birth in Bethlehem.  Matthew 2:10-11 NIV tells us, "When they saw the star, they were overjoyed.  On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshipped him.  Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh."  Can you imagine the stories that stars can tell.  They have been around since the beginning of time.  They directed humble and Godly men to witness the birth of our Savior. 

Sometimes I sit and wonder what Kirk is doing in Heaven.  I wonder if he can see the stars from his heavenly home.  But I take comfort in knowing that Kirk is there waiting for all of us.  I know this for a fact because I got to witness the moment he accepted Jesus into his heart.  We were getting ready to leave to meet with our pastor to talk about our wedding ceremony.  As we got into the car, Kirk asked me if we were trying to trick him into being saved.  I told him no, which I was telling the truth since it was an actual meeting to discuss our wedding.  I told Kirk that I wanted him to be saved before we were man and wife, but that I wasn't going to force him and that he would know when the time came for that most precious time.  We went on to the church and started discussing our big day and all of a sudden Kirk started asking Brother Jim questions about Jesus and about accepting Jesus.  Before I could even utter anything, Kirk accepted Jesus and was saved!!!  I was so overjoyed, we both started crying.  It is something that I hope I will never forget.  Such a beautiful moment to not only witness, but to be a part of it.  The day we were married, we both were children of God!! 

I am honored in saying that we got to enjoy 18 years of marriage.  Eighteen years sounds like a long time, but in reality it's not.  I can tell you it's not long enough.  But one thing I have learned in this journey is that God is in control; I am not.  I have to surrender my will to God and let Him take control of the direction of my life.  I have to trust that He knows what's best for me and let Him lead me where He wants me to go.  I have to trust that He will heal not only me, but my daughter Emily.  Psalm 147:3-5 NIV says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.  Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit." 

Even though God has numbered and named each beautiful star in the sky, one of them has the honor of being named Kirk in our house.  The grief does slowly ease but that doesn't mean we do not miss you each and every day.  The pain starts to subside and every day life resumes, but the hole in my heart for you will never disappear.  Until the day we are reunited in Heaven, I will look up at that star each morning and I will smile.  I choose to smile and cherish all of our memories than to be sad and dwell on the loss. I know one thing you are doing right now and that is smiling and rejoicing in heaven singing "Holy Holy Holy!! 

Lord, thank you for giving us the stars to look upon and marvel at their beauty.  Every morning I get the privilege of viewing them.  Lord I pray that others that are suffering from grief to be able to find enjoyment of just looking up and seeing your incredible creation.  I pray that when they look up, they find they can start a conversation with you and open up about their pain and grief.  Once you start to open up and talk about your grief and pain; the healing can begin.  I pray that healing can begin for ones that are calling out for Your help.  He will hear your cries and will heal your brokenness.  I know this because He  has rescued me.  I pray that you will seek His healing touch!! In His Precious Name I pray Amen!!

A Thankful Week

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

A Thankful Week!!

I hope this past week was a good one for everyone.  I actually had a great week that went by pretty quick.  With the change in healthcare regarding diagnosis codes that kept me busy, the week flew by.  On Tuesday I had a great day.  I have made a friend at the hospital that I work at and she is also a widow.  She is awesome and is so full of life.  She came by and seen me at my office and we caught up on each others lives.  She made me laugh, made me tear up, and made me feel great.  She has started dating so I got to hear about the new guy in her life.  I feel so excited for her and wish her the best in her new chapter. 

After catching up with one widow friend, I got to go to lunch and meet up with another widow friend.  She isn't a year into her new journey, but she is on the right path.  She is doing an incredible job with her sons and is doing as well as she can in her first year.  I really enjoy our lunches and sharing our struggles of suddenly being single parents.  She has been a blessing to me. It's hard to find widows my age with children still at home that live around my area.  My main goal has been to arrange a small group of women that are in the same situation as me so we can help each other and share each other's burdens and joys.  So when she came into my life almost a year ago, I was thankful for her. 

When Emily and I were going through counseling through our church, our counselor told us that part of the process is to be thankful.  At the time I thought to myself, how can I be thankful again?  How can I truthfully say out loud to Jesus or to others how thankful I am for anything?  I mean, I was thankful for Kirk because without him I wouldn't have Emily.  I was thankful for my family and friends for seeing me through a very traumatic time in my life.  But to be thankful for any situation that comes my way?  I was very skeptical.  But slowly as I filled myself with God's word, I would find it easier to experience this emotion.  One of the scriptures that we covered in counseling is found in the Book of 1 Thessalonians chapter 5:18, "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  At first, I felt this was backwards logic.  As time went by, I realized this is part of processing grief. A grateful heart opens to new hope and new possibilities.  Jesus desires us to be happy and truthfully, I've never seen an unhappy grateful person. 

I encourage you to take some time to find things you are grateful for.  Maybe it's a special person or a special event that happened to you recently.  Maybe you are grateful for the family and friends you have been blessed with.  Maybe you are grateful for a beautiful sunrise or sunset or both.  Once you focus on the positives, the negatives slowly do not matter.  Look around and find things to be thankful for. 

Another reason to be thankful is for God's grace and eternal life that He gave us through His son, Jesus.  Romans 7:25 says, "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord."  If you cannot find yourself being grateful for anything, just be grateful for our Lord Jesus.  Through his life, death, and resurrection we are set free from sin.  I thank Him every day, sometimes several times a day, for His sacrifice of His life so I can have eternal life and able to be reunited with Him and with Kirk and my love ones again in Heaven.  Without Jesus, I am nothing.  Everything I have, and have had, is all because of Him.  Because He died on that cross, I can live and so can you. 

I hope you can find things to be thankful for tonight and in the coming days.  Open your heart and be grateful for Jesus, be grateful for family and friends, be grateful for opening your eyes this morning.  I know it's hard to be grateful, but once you start opening your heart your eyes will open too.

Lord, Thank you for sending your One and only Son to live a perfect sinless life, to die on the cross, and rise again so we can have eternal life through You.  Thank you for blessing me with wonderful family members and incredible friends.  I am so grateful for the special widow friends that you have put in my path.  I hate that we have had to meet under the circumstances that we have, but so blessed that you put us together to help each other and to carry each others burdens.  I am grateful for every day that you wake me up, and thankful that I have a beautiful daughter to share this journey with.  I pray Lord that my family and friends can open their hearts and be grateful for their lives and especially for you!!  In Your Precious name I pray Amen!!

Jesus Overcame!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

Hi all!!

It's finally the weekend.  I had a crazy busy week as I am sure all of you have had too.  Soccer games, practices, work, training, and keeping up with the house can be stressful.  I got through it and even passed a big required test for my occupation.  It was a three and a half hour test and I had been dreading this test for about six years.  It was for the ICD-10 change over that is happening October 1st.  I only had a couple of days training and I dived in and took the test.  I was nervous and a bit afraid of failing this test.  If I failed, then I would have to take it again; and you only get two tries.  I don't know about you, but I sure didn't want to take it a second time and have added stress.  But I fought through the fear, said a prayer, and faced the challenge.  Thank you Jesus for being with me and getting me through the test and leading me to succeed. 

After the test was over, I started to think about fear.  Fear can block us from reaching our full potential and keep us from realizing dreams.  Fear can separate us from success or from relationships that we lost out on.  Fear can keep us from being the best self we can be.  But worst yet, fear can keep us from realizing the life that God has mapped out for us.  Thankfully, God gave us a tool to defeat fear.  That tool is called TRUST.  Trusting Him will help you defeat your fears and realize the life you were meant to have and what He desires for us.  We are told in Isaiah 41:13, "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you Do not fear; I will help you."  We see that God promises us that He will help us through our fears.  In Isaiah 41:10 it says, "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

One of the things I have learned about myself since I became a widow is that as time goes by, I fear less.  Each day I decide to trust God more and as I do, fear seems to vanish.  Psalm 34:4 reads, "I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."  My mindset the last couple of years has been that one of the worst events that could happen to me, has happened and I survived by leaning into God and trusting Him to deliver me.  Once I came to this realization, fighting fear became easier.  I feel like I can overcome any obstacle because I know my Lord overcame the world.  Jesus went before me and defeated the grave.  Because of Him, I know that I can overcome anything this world can throw at me.  Jesus is the solution to our fear.  If you listen and follow Him, you can trust that His promises are true. 

Jesus tells us in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."  Do you see the ongoing theme?  You will have trouble, part of that trouble is fear.  Fear of the future;  fear of the unknown; fear of being alone on this journey of grief; fear of stepping out of your comfort zone; fear of a new relationship; fear of not ever experiencing a new relationship; and this is to just name a few we all experience.  But trusting Jesus with your fears, laying these fears at the foot of the cross, surrendering your will for His, you will experience peace like never before.  I call myself a WIP, work in progress.  I am still striving to give Him my burdens every day.  I am not perfect and will never be until I am made whole on the day that I go Home.  But until then, will you join me in giving Him your fears and taking in the peace that only He can give?  His promises are true and they never change. 

Lord God, please bless the ones that are reading this blog. I pray that they are able to give you their fears and enjoy the peace you give in return.  I pray that we can submit to your will and that we can live the life that you want for us.  Thank you Lord for your promises and for your unconditional love and grace.  In your Precious Name I pray Amen!!

Regrets and Trust!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.
Regrets and Trust!!

I have to agree with Elvis Presley when he sang in his song, My Way, "Regrets, I've had a few".  Isn't that so true.  Some of us have had more than a few regrets; and some of us struggle with these regrets.  Before Kirk passed away, I remember focusing on those regrets.  Regrets of lost friendships that naturally happen once you get married and life changes.  Regrets of not furthering education to obtain a job that you really wanted to do.  Or maybe it's a regret of falling into the wrong crowd and your life taking a whole different direction than what you wanted for yourself.  But I will say, once Kirk passed away, my regrets shifted toward him solely.  So many open ended issues that weren't resolved before his sudden passing.  Regretting that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye or tell him how much I loved him.  I regret not telling him that I thought he was an incredible father and an awesome husband.  I wish I would have told him every day how much he was loved and appreciated. 

I know that I am not to sit and dwell on my regrets.  I know that I must let these go and move on in my own time.  I know I am to trust God and let Him take on my burdens of these regrets.  I know that when I find myself struggling, I can lean on my Rock, our Lord Jesus Christ.  Isaiah 26:3-4 tells us, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!  Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock."  Trust our Lord to lighten your burdens and help you get past any regrets that you struggle with on a daily basis.  Matthew 11:28 Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Rest!! Doesn't that sound so incredible?  Jesus will give you rest from regret, worry, sorrow, and mourning.  Jesus goes on to say in Matthew 11:29, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

One of the most important lessons that I have learned from Kirk's sudden passing is to have no more regrets.  I try to make sure everyone knows that I love them and appreciate them before I depart.  I have left from my loved ones and remember that I didn't tell them what I feel and they need to know so I will either call or text.  I don't want any more regrets with any of my loved ones.  I want to grasp life and let others know it's okay to lean on God and trust Him with your burdens.  We all learn that life is too short and letting your loved ones know what they mean to you is a beautiful and precious gift, not only for the receiver but also for the giver. 

Lord, I pray that if anyone is reading this and is struggling with regrets in their life, I pray that they are able to lay their burdens at Jesus's feet and get the much needed rest for their souls.  Lord I pray that fear doesn't grip me and keep me from showing my true feelings to my loved ones and friends.  I pray for everyone that is reading this that they break out of their shell and embrace life and trust that our Lord has this.  Free yourself from the regrets that burden your soul and cling on to God's promises for you.  He loves you and so do I!!!  In Your Precious Name I pray..Amen!!

He Knows!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

He Knows!!

I hope everyone had a great and relaxing Labor Day weekend.  We had a pretty nice time.  We got to spend time with family and was able to relax and have fun.  Labor Day weekend is a hard weekend for us.  Kirk was a huge drag race fan so every Saturday of Labor Day weekend we would spend the entire day as a family at the NHRA Nationals.  We would take a picnic lunch and spend the day meeting drivers and Emily would get several autographs.  Kirk's Uncle Rick would go out there with us.  One year, Kirk got the opportunity he had been dreaming of for quite some time.  He actually got to work on a alcohol funny car for an entire weekend.  He got to meet some really great guys and got to live out a dream before he left us.  He was so happy and so excited to get that opportunity.  I am so thankful that he did get to do that. 

We spent this Saturday of Labor Day weekend with my sister Crystal, her husband Brian and their daughter Zoey.  They invited us to go with them to St. Joseph Michigan for the day.  We spent the day up there and ended up having to go to South Haven to get out of the rain that we didn't know about.  So we sat on the beach and then went back to St. Joes to shop.  Both towns were very nice and we really enjoyed our day.  It was almost like being at the ocean, almost!!! 

On our way out from St. Joes, we passed a church that had a sign out front that simply said, He Knows.  When I seen those words I had to smile.  It is amazing how God speaks to you, how He knows what you need to hear and finds a way every time to make sure you get His message.  Some days I wonder if God still hears my cries and my prayers and then there it is, a message that yes He does still hear my prayers and knows my pain. 

The one verse that I always look to and memorized is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  This is something that all of us have to remember, no matter what life throws at us.  Hope, if we do not have hope, then what do we have?  If we don't put our hope in Jesus, we have nothing.  I believe that my path has brought me to this point to write to encourage others that might not see the hope in their situation.  Romans 5:1-8 tells us, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we boast in the Hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, HOPE.  And HOPE does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.  You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.   But God demonstrates his own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Seeing that sign, He Knows, gave me the bump I needed to make it another day.  Because He Knows, I know that He is always with me.  He is always by my side, making my way down the path He designed especially for me.  It's not a glamorous path, it's not suppose to be.  I cannot bring glory to God if I live on a golden road.  I cannot give him all the glory and be a testimony if I have never had any struggles in my life.  No matter what, I will praise Him because I know my hope is in Jesus. PERIOD!!  Psalm 39:7, "But now, Lord, what do I look for?  My hope is in you."

Lord I pray for my family and friends that are struggling with life.  I pray that they accept you in their hearts and tap into that eternal hope and love that you provide.  Life is hard, but with You, I know my future.  Lord I want everyone that I love and care for to be in Heaven so we can spend eternity together.  Lord I just want to glorify you in whatever I do while I'm here on this Earth.  In Your Precious Name Amen!!

As I was writing this, I was informed of a situation with a dear sweet sister Karen.  She passed away this morning of a long illness.  She was a writer for A Widow's Might and was one of the sweetest ladies that I have ever met.  When I decided to start writing blogs for A Widows Might, she was the one that helped me with my writing and would help me make my posts better.  We talked on the phone several times and emailed each other quite often.  She is a fellow Hoosier and lived about two hours away from me.  I got to meet her in person back in November at A Widow's Might conference at Myrtle Beach.  I remember walking in and seeing her sweet smile.  We had planned on meeting for lunch over the summer but we never got the chance.  I ask that you keep her family in your prayers for comfort and healing.  Karen is now in the arms of our beautiful Savior Jesus Christ and is now reunited with her loving husband.  Karen knows no pain, no sorrow, has no tears, just joy!!!!  Thank you Lord for putting Karen in my path.  Thank you Karen for being a wonderful writer, mentor, but mot importantly, a beautiful friend.  I will miss you and I love you with all my heart. 

This is Kirk at the last NHRA Nationals.  We had a great day and enjoyed watching all of the cars.  He loved going, and we loved sharing those memories with him!!  Love and miss you to the moon and back!! 

Heartbroken

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.


Heartbroken!!

I need to tell myself to quit listening and watching the news.  It seems as if the world has gone crazy.  My heart has hurt so much for several different families in the last several days.  I live close to Indianapolis which is the home of the Indianapolis 500.  We are called the racing capital of the world, and I have to agree with that statement.  We love our racing here, Indy cars, Nascar, drag racing, and our local racers.  Over the weekend, Indy car lost a great driver and advocate for dyslexia.  His name is Justin Wilson and he was also a husband and a father of two young girls.  How my heart aches for his family and all of his friends.  Unfortunately we know what they are going through right now.

Then, I hear about a policeman down in Louisiana that was gunned down by some psycho.  The officer fought as long as he could for his life, but passed away from his injuries.  I read Monday morning that he leaves behind a wife and a son that is nine years old.  I sat back and reflected on the day we lost Kirk.  Emily was only nine when Kirk left us and she is our only child.  Even though our husbands passed under different circumstances, both situations were sudden and without warning.  I felt sick for this new widow and her only son and began to pray for them.  I have family in law enforcement so whenever I hear of this happening, I always think how it could have been someone in my family. 

And then today, the senseless killing of two young journalist who were just doing their job, a job they loved and devoted their young lives. They were taken out by a disgruntled coworker during a live broadcast.  The news reported that both of them were in relationships with other coworkers.  The gentleman was engaged to be married and the lady was in a serious relationship with another anchor.  It just breaks my heart to know how their loved ones are feeling right now.  Just to know others are experiencing such deep sorrow and grieving with every ounce of their being right now is heart breaking.

We know in this world we are going to experience sadness, grief, and sorrow.  At some point, we are all going to have to face these emotions.  The decision on how you handle these emotions is huge.  We decided from day one that we were going to give our pain and sorrow to Jesus.  As humans we know we cannot handle that much pain all at once.  We memorized and live by Proverbs 3:5 NIV, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  We understood that no one in this world could answer the big WHY question.  So we had to surrender that to Jesus.  You see, Jesus has experienced every emotion that we as humans have dealt with.  Jesus even tells us that we will have troubles in this lifetime.  In John 16:33 Jesus says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."  Our Savior defeated the grave and through His grace, he extends peace to us even in the midst of our worst storms. 

The one thing that I am looking forward to in my Heavenly home is that there will not be any more tears or sorrow.  We will rejoice with Jesus and with our loved ones that have gone before us and have placed their faith in Jesus.  Revelations 21:4 assures us of this, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  That promise is amazing!!  It is something I am looking forward to when I go Home to my Savior Lord Jesus Christ!!

Lord, please be with the family and friends of the people that I wrote about tonight.  They are just starting their grief journey that so many of us are on already.  Lord I pray for them and for those that have started their journey. I also pray for those that have been on their journey for years.  I pray that they know you as their Personal Savior and that they lean on you for comfort, mercy, strength, and grace.  Lord thank you for loving us first before we were born.  I pray for those who do not know you as their Savior and I pray they open up their hearts and mind to you.  The well of Your mercy and grace is bottomless and is full of love, joy, and comfort.  In Your Precious Name I pray, AMEN!!

Fighting Fear!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.


Fighting Fear!!


Fear can paralyze the strongest of men.  Fear can stop us in our tracks and keep us from living out the life that God wants us to enjoy.  We can have fear in several different areas of our lives that we once felt safe and comfortable.  When I became a widow, I feared having to raise my daughter by myself.  I feared having to make big financial decisions without Kirk sitting by my side going over all the pros and cons of our decision making.  I have begun to fear a life of being alone after Emily goes to college in a short five years.  Fear of spending nights alone when all my friends and family are out spending time together.  I can go on and on about all the fears we encounter in this season of widowhood. 

Fear can freeze you in time and not allow you to move on with your life.  It can rob you of a life that God wants you to live, the life you deserve to have.  It's so easy to wave your white flag and take on a cloak of defeat.  But sisters, this is not the life that Jesus desires for all of us.  It's easy to feel like life is over and there is nothing left.  But there is so much more, I am allowing myself to figure this out and it has taken me four years.  What I had to realize and what you need to realize is that Jesus is fighting for us and with us.  He wants us to conquer our fear and look to Him for strength and trust.  In Romans 8:31-32 NIV it tells us,

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

See, God is on our side.  With Him on our side, no one can be against us.  God has His children and He is fighting for us every step of the way.  He made that possible when He sent his only Son, Jesus Christ, to Earth to live a righteous and sinless life.  Jesus came to die for all of us, to ransom us from this sinful world.  John 3:16 states, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." 

Do you know Jesus as your personal savior?  If not, I hope you will pray and think about making this most important decision for yourself.  It's the best decision and best gift you will EVER receive.  To know that the day that I'm called home I will be face to face with Jesus is so comforting. Just trusting that Jesus is patiently waiting for me and will greet me with arms wide open melts all fear away. 

Lord I pray that those that have not put their trust and faith in you will do so without hesitation.  Just having the peace and comfort that comes with having you on my side is priceless.  Lord I love you with all my heart and soul and I pray for all of us that need comfort and hope.  It doesn't happen overnight Lord, but it does come with love, trust, faith and patience.  When I start to feel fearful for the future or for events that happen in my life, I lean on you Lord to melt the fear away.  Thank you Lord for all that you have given me, but the biggest gift of all is your Son.  Lord I pray in your Precious Name. Amen

Overwhelmed

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

Overwhelmed!!

Have you ever felt this way before?  Everyone at one point in their lives have been overwhelmed.  You might feel overwhelmed by joy, overwhelmed by tasks, overwhelmed by job responsibilities, by home projects, or grieving for a loved one.  I can say that I have experienced each one of these at one point of my life.  Some more than I would like.  It's okay to feel this way, it's human nature. It's just not a state of mind you want to stay in for very long.

The last month or so, I have  been feeling overwhelmed by house projects.  I had concentrated so much on the inside of my house that I forgot that the outside needed up keep.  With all the rain we have been experiencing, I have had some flooding issues with my garage.  I have some issues that need to dealt with that makes me feel overwhelmed and makes me really miss Kirk more.  Thank the Lord that my dad and uncles have equipment and the knowledge to be able to help me but these projects will take time to complete.  So I sit and wait and try to learn more patience. 

There are times that missing Kirk overwhelms me.  I have noticed that these feelings have started to flare up when I hear of other families that are now experiencing the heartache of losing a spouse and children losing a parent.  We know of two families through friends that have recently lost their wives and the children lost a mom.  One family the loss was sudden, another the lady passed away from a brain tumor she didn't know she had until she suddenly got very sick and ended up in a coma.  Personally knowing about these families and knowing the members seems to really take me back to the first couple of days of our journey.  Those days when you run on adrenaline and just try and make sure you breathe; knowing personally the gut wrenching pain and the cries of why.  Sometimes those feelings can overwhelm you and take your breath away.  Knowing other families, other spouses, other children are having to travel the path of grief saddens and breaks my heart.  In this fallen world, we all have to experience grief.

Being overwhelmed is part of being human.  I am so thankful that I have a Savior who can take that feeling from me.  When I start feeling like life is running away with me and I feel like I am drowning in my problems and issues, I cry out to the Lord and ask Him to help me.  I know and trust He will be there right with me and will make sure I get through this time of my journey.  "As for me, I call to God, and the Lord saves me.  Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.  He rescues me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me." Psalms 55:16-18.  God does hear us when we cry out and He wants all of His children to be comforted.  We all have an enemy and he wants us to feel overwhelmed and to feel hopeless.  "Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9. 

We are never promised a stress free, easy life.  And if you are reading this, chances are you have encountered loss and tremendous grief.  Keep your faith, trust God to bring you through this period of your life.  Don't let Satan get the best of you and give in to your feelings of being overwhelmed and helpless.  Help is here, His name is Jesus and He died for all His children.  You just have to believe and confess with your lips and believe in your heart.  You will not feel immediate relief, but there is light in the morning.  You will know that the Savior of this world is in your corner and you can go into any battle armed with His word, grace, and mercy!!!

Lord thank you for loving me, for loving all of your children.  Thank you for always being there for us when we cry out to you.  Lord I know love began over 2000 years ago when you came to earth as a precious baby and 33 years later you took nails and ransomed me.  Your blood has saved us all Lord. Thank you for that most precious unconditional love.  In your Precious Name I pray, Amen!!

Emily's Birthday

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.
Fourteen years ago tonight, Kirk and I were on the eve of being first time parents.  I was scheduled for a C-section that next morning so we decided to go out and get one more dinner before we became first time parents.  Since I had to eat by a certain time, we went to a restaurant called Perkins.  I had a big plate of French toast and a big glass of chocolate milk.  It was so good.  We really enjoyed our meal.

The following morning we went to the hospital as an anxious couple wondering what we got ourselves into, and three days later we left with the most beautiful and precious daughter.  We were so happy.  One our way home, Kirk picked up my hand and kissed it and thanked me for our baby girl.  God had truly blessed us with a healthy and pretty girl.  We were on top of the world. 

Kirk and Emily had a very close relationship and she was his world.  Right before she turned nine,, Kirk suddenly passed of an accident in his mechanic's shop.  Three weeks later she turned 10.  Kirk was always there for her birthday and always got a kick being with her.  He always called her his baby girl.  Now I am left to celebrate her day with her and to remember how much Kirk loved her and how excited he was to be her daddy.

God truly blessed the three of us.  We had each other and God blessed us with our love and relationship the three of us shared.  Emily and I will be sharing her 14th birthday together tomorrow.  Even though Kirk isn't with us to celebrate, we know how much he loved us and how special Emily was to him.  I feel Emily is a very lucky girl to have had a dad that loved her with all of his heart for nine years.  A lot of children never get to experience the love of a dad.  So we will celebrate together with Kirk on our hearts and mind, and will thank God in our storm for the blessing of having Kirk with us.  I know our Father is also celebrating Emily as well.  I know He blessed us as a family for giving us each other. 

Lord thank you so much for blessing us with each other and for blessing us with your Son Jesus.  Through Him, we know one day we will be reunited with Kirk and the rest of our loved ones.  Thank you Lord for giving us the blessing of our Emily.  You made our family complete and with You at the center, there is no storm, no weapon, no person that can stand between you and us!!  In your Precious Name we pray, Amen!!

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful daughter!!!!  Your loving and caring spirit for others is astounding and your love for our Lord is incredible.  I love you and am so proud of your accomplishments when sometimes the deck is stacked against you.  Just keep your eyes focused on Jesus and your heart open to Him at all times and you will succeed through our Lord. I love you so very much!!!  Happy Birthday!!!

Fourth Year Anticipation

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

Fourth Year Anticipation

Today will mark the fourth anniversary of Kirk's going to his Heavenly home.  I can't believe that it's already been four years ago that I last talked to him, seen his face, heard his laugh.  Some days it seems like it was just yesterday, but most days it seems like a lifetime. 

I know we all grieve in our own way and we all have our own timeline.  I can only talk to you about my journey and how I felt each year on June 25th.  The first year we busied ourselves with having my niece and one of Emily's friends spend the night with us and then we went to a large cat sanctuary with my mom.  We kept ourselves busy and made it through the day. I will be honest, I was still pretty numb and really just went through the motions of getting through that first year.  I wanted Emily to have fun and we had never been to a large feline rescue.  It was definitely an adventure but it was fun. 

The second year anniversary we were in sunny California.  We had spent a week of going to Disneyland, San Diego, Hollywood, and the beautiful beaches of Laguna and Dana Point.  We went to Venice Beach and Santa Monica Pier.  It was a dream vacation and I really would love to go back.  We flew back on the 25th and I can tell you when I opened my eyes that morning, I felt like I was right back on day one.  I wasn't prepared for the waves of grief that flooded me that morning.  I think it was the combination of his anniversary and leaving California.  Usually I am ready to go home after a vacation, but I can honestly say that I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to come home.  Once we flew out then I was ready to take on that second year. 

We were able to go last year on the third anniversary to a local amusement park named Kings Island.  It's only a two hour drive from our home and we went with a large family group.  We had a lot of fun and even though June 25th is a sad day, we were able to have fun and relax.  I think what helped me with this third year was that I found a couple of websites called A Widow's Might and Widows Christian Place.  Having these remarkable women write about their own experiences and share their stories and faith in Jesus has helped me tremendously. 

Now as the fourth anniversary is pressing down on me, I am praying for a day filled with thanksgiving and love.  I am hoping to remember the great times we had together and praising Jesus for the time that I had with Kirk.  I know Kirk is rejoicing in Heaven with his Savior.  Kirk isn't dreading his anniversary of going Home, he is praising Jesus with his hands lifted high singing glory, glory, glory.  Psalm 105:3 says, "Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice."  Psalm 66:2, "Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious."  Praising Jesus and going to Him with thanksgiving has helped me in the healing process and to trust the Lord with my future.  "Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song." Psalm 95:2 NIV.  I feel with this anniversary I have fully armored myself so that I can continue to heal and start to move forward.  I have started to entertain thoughts of dating one day, but my main focus is to continue to grow in Christ and to continue to raise my beautiful daughter that God blessed us with raising.

If you get a minute in your day, please whisper a little prayer for me and Emily.  This is the first year that we do not have any concrete plans.  I have started to have some work done to my house and had her room repainted so we will work on the last phase of my remodel vision.  I am making a hang out room for Emily and her friends and also am having a pergola built over my patio. We will get through today and come out on the other side ready to face our future with trust and hope in Jesus.  He will see us through today and everyday and continue to show us love, compassion, mercy, and grace. 

Lord please be with not only me and Emily, but with the rest of our family and Kirk's friends and his customers.  Kirk was a great man, incredible dad, wonderful husband, and the best tractor/trailer mechanic in Indianapolis.  Lord we miss his so much but know that you have a plan for us and you needed Kirk more than we did here on Earth.  Lord I look forward to the day that I am reunited with you and my Kirk.  I pray for continued healing for all of us that love and miss Kirk with all of our hearts.  Thank you Lord for blessing us with Kirk and letting me have him as a best friend and husband for 25 years.  He was truly a blessing from You!!!  In your precious name..Amen!!

Happy Father's Day!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.

Happy Father's Day!!

This is for my dad!!  He is an amazing man that gives generously and never asks for anything in return.  He has always been there for me and my sister Crystal.  He is a Christian man that is full of integrity and everyone that knows him respects and loves him.  He was there for me in my darkest time after Kirk passed away.  Here is the background story of my dad and what transpired on June 25, 2011.

When my dad received the call that Kirk was gone, he was on his way home from taking a friend back to his nursing home after his visit for the day.  My dad was the second one there, but was about 45 minutes out when he received the call.  I don't even want to know how fast he drove to Kirk's shop.  He promised me that we would get it all figured out and that he would take care of getting everything arranged.  Kirk had his own mechanics shop and needless to say there were a lot of tools, tool boxes, paperwork, big pieces of equipment, your typical mechanics shop.  My dad owns a salvage and lumber business so he has several big trucks that he hauls big quantities of material.  The day after Kirk passed, several volunteers showed up and helped my dad and uncle and they cleaned out Kirk's business in one day.  We were afraid that other tenants would find out about Kirk's passing and would try and make themselves at home in his shop.  It wasn't in the best part of Indianapolis.  So once they got it all into trucks, then they had to spread it out in several buildings until we were able to start the process of an estate.  After Kirk's services, then the time came to finish out his business and settle an estate that we had to get going with help from a lawyer and an accountant, not to mention Kirk's bank.  My dad was with me every step of the way.  Even though I kept and still live in my house that Kirk and I had together, my mom and dad turned a spare bedroom into a very nice room for Emily and me to stay and crash the months after Kirk's passing.  My dad ran out and bought mattresses and made sure we were comfortable.  He helped me so much with the business end of the estate and made sure all of Kirk's tools, equipment, and trucks were sold at the right price.  Without my dad, I am not sure what I would have done.  We are never prepared for any death, but a sudden death of your husband that owns his own business is a tough process to go through.  Not only do you mourn after your husband, but also his business and all the what could have been.  My dad still continues to look after our best interest and helps me with anything that my crazy mind might come up with at the spur of the moment.  Happy Father's Day to you dad!!  Your the best!!

As for Kirk, I couldn't have asked for a better husband and father to Emily.  He adored her and loved her with all of his heart.  He wasn't sure about being a dad when I told him we were going to have a baby, but he sure did hit it out of the ballpark.  I know Emily misses him so much.  She brings him up from time to time and I am always telling her stories or sharing old pictures that his friends share on Facebook.  She loves hearing them and seeing him with his long, curly hair.  He was a guitarist in a couple of bands back in the eighty's so he definitely had the hair!!  I sure wish Kirk could share in her accomplishments.  I know he would be so proud of her and would love to be right there.  But Emily and I also understand that God called him home for a purpose.  We have asked the Why? question but we know that we might never know the answer until we are reunited with Jesus and Kirk one day.  Proverbs 3:5 NIV says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  This verse was given to us by our counselor Debbie at our very first session with her and it's the one that I have kept in my heart for these past four years.  We do not understand, but God has a plan and had one from the very start.  It's hard to get a nine year old to understand that at the time, but now that she is almost 14 she gets it now.  I am astounded by her love of Jesus and it fills my heart to hear her sing hymns and praising Jesus even when she could be mad for the sudden passing of her daddy. 

I know today is a tough day for a lot of us.  The moms have to be both parents now and our children are without their daddy.  As other families celebrate their dads, we need to remind our children that they are not fatherless.  They have a Heavenly Father that loves and cares for them more than they can fathom.  In Psalms 68:4-6 tells us, "Sing to God, sing in praise of his name, extol him who rides on the clouds; rejoice before him-his name  is the Lord.  A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."  Please remind your children of this.  I know it won't bring back their dads that they are missing, but it will hopefully give them hope and know that God is merciful and salvation lies in Him and Him alone!!

Lord, please watch over all of these children that do not have a daddy here on Earth but they have You to soothe their pain and hurt.  I pray that these children seek you and strive to know you and thirst for your word.  Only Your word gives us what we need, there we find comfort and healing.  I pray for all the widows that are both mom and dad now.  I pray for their rest and comfort Lord.  It's a hard position to be in, but You picked us for a reason Lord.  Thank you for always being there at our right hand guiding and helping us every step of the way.  In your Precious Name..Amen!!

Kirk on Father's Day June 2011.  This is the last photo of him taken.  Just six days after this picture he passed away.  The cake was his favorite cake that I made him and my dad and brother in law every Father's Day.  A strawberry Jello poke cake.  He loved it.

 

 

This is my dad while we were waiting on our lunch at Outback.  We normally eat lunch together after church every Sunday.  He doesn't like his picture taken as you can tell.  He is an incredible man and dad.  Thank you Lord for blessing my sister and me with him.  

 

Happy Wedding Anniversary!!

Sisterhood of Widows S.O.W.  Psalm 126:5-6  Please share on your Facebook so that others can see my blogs and maybe help them through their grief.
Happy Anniversary my Beloved!!!

Do you enjoy listening to a spring/summer thunderstorm at night while you lie in bed?  If the storms aren't severe, I love to listen to the thunder and the rain hit the roof.  The sound relaxes me and helps me to fall asleep.  We had a storm move through the other evening and I started thinking about the storms that come through our lives.  Each one of us have experienced different storms personally.  There are family issues, financial problems, work situations, and death just to name a few personal storms that we encounter.  Some of us have encountered each one of these and unfortunately they have hit at the same time.  I have experienced each one of these issues, but the worst one by far is the sudden death of my husband Kirk. 

Tomorrow would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary.  It seems like yesterday we were planning our wedding day.  With help from my family and friends, we put together a day that was magical and memorable.  Our wedding wasn't big or extremely fancy, but it was an event that was "US".  We were married in 1993 so colors like fuchsia and blue were very popular.  We had candles that our bridesmaids used instead of flowers.  We were escorted from our church to our reception hall in an old model Cadillac.  Our reception was so much fun with lots of dancing and our DJ was a friend so he knew exactly what to play.  We were married on my Grandma Catellier's birthday so I made sure she had a birthday cake and we sang to her.  She shared her special day with us and gave me permission to be married on her day.  It is a day that I hope I will never forget.  I married the love of my life, got to share that day with all of our family and friends, and have memories that are even more precious than I could have ever imagined.  Sitting here reflecting on those emotions and excitement of being a newlywed couple makes me smile.  We had so much fun enjoying being married and knowing that we had each other no matter what happened. 

I miss having him in my corner.  I miss not being able to share our day with him.  I miss his laugh and his goofy personality.  I miss the way he loved me no matter what.  For better or for worse, we lived both sides of our vows.  He was a great husband, an incredible dad, and a wonderful man period.  We didn't get a chance to celebrate the last anniversary we had together.  I really regret that today.  Two weeks after our 18th anniversary, he went home to be with Jesus.  I'll never forget the day of our wedding, we had several storms roll through our area that afternoon.  Someone came up to me right after our ceremony and told me that it's good luck to have storms on your big day.  I think that person was wrong.  I do remember walking out of church and the sun was shining and the humidity had subsided.  The evening ended up being beautiful!!

As I sit back and reflect on this, I think this is how my widowhood has gone.  The day of Kirk's death, I was hit with a tornado that had no regard for anyone or anything in it's path.  The destruction it left behind was a total loss.  Nothing was left standing and no one could escape it's path.  That storm raged for a long time, some days it was relentless; some days I could see a  glimpse of sunlight. Tears would flow like a torrential down pour and I just wanted the pain to stop.  I cried out to Jesus and asked for relief.  Slowly I began to heal and the sun started to shine on me more and more.  I remembered the story of Jesus and how He calmed a storm while He and his disciples were on a boat.  "Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him.  Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat.  But Jesus was sleeping.  The disciples went and woke him, saying, 'Lord, save us! We're going to drown!'  He replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?'  Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." Matthew 8:23-26 NIV.   Doesn't this sound like our journey?  I know it sounds like mine.  I went through a storm that came up as sudden as the storm the disciples encountered.  The waves of grief over took me and threatened to capsize me.  I cried out to Jesus and begged for help and mercy, please Lord calm these waves because I fear I will drown in my grief.  He heard my cries and has calmed the swirling storm that wants to swallow me.  I have allowed Him to have control over me, control over my grief, control over my fears, and He has calmed me.  He has gave me peace.  When I feel myself start to enter back into that storm, all I have to do is whisper His sweet name, Jesus and that storm flees.  Have you been able to experience this peace?  I hope you have been able to escape your personal storm and seek refuge in Jesus.  He has saved us by His blood, grace, and mercy. 

If you have not asked Jesus to be your personal Savior, I would ask you to examine your life and your path.  If your heart is tugging for you to accept Him, will you do so today?  We know we are not promised tomorrow.  We know personally that we can be called home at any moment.  Please ask Jesus into your heart and to forgive you of your sins.  I promise you it is the best gift you will ever receive.  It's the gift of eternal life with Jesus.

Lord I pray that you be with me as I enter into my wedding anniversary day.  It's going to be a hard day, but I know you are with me.  I know you will be with me every second.  I pray that those that are reading this and have not received your gift of eternal life, I pray that they ask you for forgiveness today.  Thank you Lord for calming my storms and never giving up on me when I felt like I could not go on a day longer.  In your Precious Name Amen!!

I love and miss you Kirk with all my heart!!!  Happy Anniversary!!!  I will see you soon!!

Finding joy through sorrow

Finding joy in sorrow!!

 

I always tried to make Kirk’s birthday a special day for him.  He would either want grilled steak or chicken, baked potato, salad, and rolls at home or we would venture out and go to his favorite restaurant Texas Roadhouse.  I would make his favorite cake, yellow with chocolate icing, or a strawberry jello poke cake with fresh strawberries and cool whip on top.  I wanted him to have a day that made him feel special.  I remember his last birthday we went to Gander Mountain and I bought him a pair of steel toe work boots because that is what he wanted, so I made sure he was treated with the gift he desired.

Kirk suddenly passed a little over a month after his birthday.  Since then, we will go out and eat at Texas Roadhouse on his birthday just the way he would want his day to go.  Last year we were able to go to an Indy Eleven soccer game.  Our daughter Emily plays travel soccer and school ball.  This year instead of watching a professional team, Emily played in a state tournament.  The girls and family on her team are so supportive and really rally around her on the tougher moments.  They won their bracket and between the win and his birthday, we found ourselves once again at Texas Roadhouse enjoying a meal in his memory.  He would have enjoyed the day.

Now comes the part that is funny and embarrassing for me to report.  We had received a couple of sky lanterns from a neighbor friend over the winter.  So his birthday evening, we decided to write a note to him on the lantern and then light it up.  We took it outside and I held onto it while Emily lit the fuel patch.  It took us a couple of times and then finally we achieved fire.  Now you are supposed to let the lantern patch burn for a minute or so until it starts tugging and then you let it go.  I have launched a couple of these so I felt pretty good about doing this on our own.  It tugged so I let it go and it started on its journey.  All of a sudden the wind caught it before it cleared the tree line.  As we stood and watched helplessly, the lantern caught on a branch and tilted to its side.  All I could see was the fire coming from the bottom of the lantern and the leaves swaying with the breeze.  As I stood terrified that my pretty tree could go up in flames at any second, I decided to throw my shoe in hopes of dislodging it.  Well my shoe went straight up in the air, nowhere near the branch or the lantern.  Emily started to get anxious and yelled, “We need to call 911!!”  As I was getting ready to have her call, another gust of wind caught the lantern and it came down toward me.  I was able to grab it, throw it to the ground, and take my shoe and beat the fire out.  As I stood up and declared victory over the fire, Emily started laughing at me and said, “Your shoe went straight up in the air.”  I looked up and we laughed ourselves silly.  Even after ten minutes we would start to giggle about it.

A day that could have been sorrowful, we found laughter and joy.  I don’t think Kirk would have been laughing even after ten minutes.  He was mister safety conscience and to witness that scene would have put him over the edge.  Everything worked out though and no one or no tree was hurt in our attempted celebration of life and love.  We wanted to celebrate the fact that God blessed us with Kirk and to celebrate the fact that we can find joy, hope and love during a detour in our journey of life.  We decided to find joy on his birthday.   How do we find this joy and peace since Kirk went Home?  We find peace and joy through our Lord Jesus Christ.  This hope and peace comes straight from Him.  I cannot give anyone peace or hope just as no one on Earth can give it to me.  I found my strength and peace in Him.  We know in this life we will have strife, tragedy, loss, and mourning.   In John 16:33 NIV we are told, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  We know our Savior has already defeated the Cross  and death.  Jesus has overcome this world and we need to trust this every second of our day.  Just trust Jesus to carry your burdens and find joy.  I know it’s hard at first, trust me I’ve been down that road.  But day by day, week by week you will find that activities and people will start to bring you joy.  At first I dealt with guilt about moving forward and trying to find joy in things that I did before Kirk died.  Just know that your husband would want you to have joy and peace and would want you to be happy once again.  I’m going to close with a scripture from Romans 15:13 NIV, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Please find hope and peace through Jesus Christ and I promise you joy will start to fill your heart once again.